The Saturday Squad
Known As: Craiger, Magic Hands
Strengths: Reflexes, Agility, Availability
Weaknesses: White Lonsdale 3/4 length shorts/trousers
A stalwart of the RRR scene, Magic Hands commitment to the cause and willingness to put his head on the line on a weekly basis has made him an unsung hero of the side. His cat-like reflexes and brilliant yet slightly unorthodox shot stopping ability have won the club many points and trophies through the years. Duncan's commitment extends to the club's social scene, where his exploits and magic hands have earned him many friends.
Has a strange affinity for Craig Levein, runs 8 miles to attend pre-season training and is available to discuss politics after 6 beers.
Known As: Mike
Strengths: Tackling, Marking, Ref-Bashing
Weaknesses: Lives in the shadow of his younger brother
Another mainstay of the Rob Roy Reds, the lesser Ross brother has been terrorising opposition left wingers for many a year. Never shy of a tackle, the right back has added the ability to roam forward to his game in recent years to great effect. A reliable and committed presence in defence when his hectic social calendar allows, Ross often leads enquiries into the decision making of referees.
Often found buzzing around Chiswick in his wife's car and has been known to over indulge in craft beer on a Friday evening. Once developed an odd relationship with a Spanish Scott Rae, the rest is history.
Known As: The Big Left Back
Strengths: Set Pieces, Admin
The man once labelled a "boring bastard" by esteemed BBC Radio Scotland presenter Richard Gordon is a key figure for the RRRs both on and off the park. As a left back, Gregor is equally as brave on the ball as he is scared to head it. His set piece delivery is second-to-none in London amateur football and this allows him to tally up both assists and the odd dodgy free-kick. Our organiser in chief away from the field, he often leads the squad on its attacks on London's drinking establishments and his commitment to this cause, and to keeping London's fast food industry afloat, cannot be questioned.
Known As: Stevie, Dreamboat McBeefcake
Strengths: Strength, Safety, Drinking pints of lager extremely quickly
An imposing figure at the back, Kilshaw adds a real presence to the Rob Roy Reds back line. This famously led to a trial with Aberdeen FC where Derek McInnes ran the rule over the centre back before deciding to stick with Ash Taylor and co. Unfortunately for Dreamboat, his muscular frame has bizarrely made him a target for opposition boo boys. A man who loves safety, Kilshaw is an excellent man marker and his best performances in an RRR shirt have come when deployed in this role.
Do not get into a round with Stevie unless you want to drink 14 pints in 3 hours and piss yourself.
Known As: Big Andy
Strengths: Communication, Big Hits, Grotto Management
Weaknesses: Opening bottles of Red Wine
Partial to a sheep, a tractor and a SW17 curry, Andy epitomises what the RRRs are all about. Strong in the tackle, powerful in the air and well versed in defensive command, Andy has also been seen moonlighting in the Centre Forward role trying to nutmeg defenders.
With a hectic social calendar and an alternative life posing as an Aussie Rules hunk, his availability can be as unpredictable as his body weight.
If only he could organise his life like he organises an attacking set piece, he may just once turn up to a night out with more than 8% phone battery.
Known As: Danny P
Strengths: Tackling, Reading the game, Away games at Hackney Marshes
Since joining the RRRs in 2014, Paterson's ability to play anywhere across the back line has made him an invaluable member of the squad. Firm in the tackle and an adept reader of the game, Dan is a worthy adversary of some squad members on a Thursday night at the Wandle 5-a-sides. Not known to shirk a huge pre-match night out and another member of the Friday Craft Beer Brigade, he does not let this affect his performances on a Saturday afternoon, yet his second touch is nearly always a tackle.
Centre Half (Player Manager)
Known As: Gaffer Brown, Waldo
Strengths: Reading of the game, Aerial prowess, Doghouse management
Weaknesses: Looking like Nicola Sturgeon, Team Talks
“Be The Daddy”, said no one ever in the history of amateur football changing rooms across the land; newly appointed Gaffer Brown’s pacing pre-match spiels have become the highlight of the RRR Saturday morning routine (after the kits have turned up).
A leader at the back, dominant in the air, and confident on the floor, Brown uses his wealth of semi-pro experience to constantly miss guilt-edge headers from set pieces. It is thought a recent altercation at Twickenham has added unwanted weight upon his shoulders.
Often found berating referees, vomiting in Tube Stations and frequenting the dog house.
Centre Half / Striker
Known As: Whitey
Strengths: Heading, Tackling, Being solid as fuck
Weaknesses: Not yet known
A relatively new addition to the RRR Saturday squad, Alex was signed up after an impressive Summer League season in which he lost zero headers. Adept at winning seeming impossible 20-80 tackles, he has also been piloted effectively in a role up-front. Part of the "White clique" (not racial) with Uni pal Jack White, it has yet to be fully discovered what Alex brings to the squad's nightlife - although he gives the impression that he is a man that could see away a hoor-load of Riverside goblets.
Known As: Asbestos Jack
Strengths: Passing, Heading, Dimples
Weaknesses: Not setting an alarm on public transport
Away from the pitch, one could not wish to meet a more approachable and friendly chap. Transformed upon crossing the white line of a Saturday, Jack is an extremely stubborn and sometimes angry advocate of the Rob Roy Reds playing in a particular way. With a left foot that is as sweet as a nut and a range of passing to match, he adds a measure of class to the RRRs midfield (and occasionally defence). Also a man who enjoys the odd screamer or two, Jack enjoys discussing recycling and the death of capitalism when not asleep at team socials.
If you see a tall, black-haired, middle-aged male doing doggies up and down the Northern Line in the early hours of a Sunday morning, please return to owner.
Centre Midfield (Captain)
Known As: Skipper
Strengths: Passing, Tackling, Turning in an exact circle whilst in possession
Weaknesses: A Gammy Hammy
The long-serving skipper of the RRRs, Martin's significance to the cause cannot be underestimated. He has led the club to many successes with his range of passing and willingness to stick the boot in where necessary. Not one to be found wasting time in the clubhouse pre-match, once arrived and changed Martin brings a level of focus and is never afraid to give the boys a much needed rallying cry. Away from the pitch, he enjoys long walks with his dog Axl and calm, relaxing nights out with his brother Allan.
Known As: Aldo
Strengths: Creativity, Composure, Beard
Weaknesses: Aggression (mainly at himself)
There's no surer sight in life than heading down to the Riverside Lands of a Saturday afternoon to see Allan Barr punching the ground and berating himself for failing to dribble past the eighth player of a mazy run. A key player and source of creativity for the RRRs, Aldo is always available to receive the ball and is a big advocate of playing "the RRR way". He also gets himself forward at every opportunity - with his shots at goal seeming to exclusively involve chipping opposition goalkeepers. A man who has travelled the world in his work (and generally been marooned offshore wherever he has gone), Allan's improved attendance record this season has been greatly appreciated.
Known As: Stoobs
Strengths: Energy, Scooping Pints, Chanting
Weaknesses: The Hang, Staying in Nightclubs
The box to box midfielder is a welcome new addition to the RRRs this season bringing a wealth of enthusiasm for the game, the Dons and the sesh.
Forever hungover, Stoobs chugs around the pitch like he chugs a goblet of San Miguel - with endless enjoyment, passion and pride. Has already found himself in umpteen goal scoring opportunities with varying success.
Communicates in song, runs in treacle, drinks in the boathouse. No John Boy, No Party.
Known As: Jimmer
Strengths: Passing, Fitness, Two-footedness
Weaknesses: Shoots from corners
To say that James Smith is versatile is akin to saying that Usain Bolt is quite fast or that George Best enjoyed the odd drink. Equally as comfortable on either foot, Jimmer has started a game for the RRRs in every outfield position. Originally deployed in defensive roles, Smith has developed into a swashbuckling winger in recent seasons and led the assist charts in the 2015-16 season (unfortunately his award was broken in an accident involving fellow midfielder White).
In his spare time, Jimmer enjoys practising shooting from corners, training for marathons he's never going to complete and moonlighting as an 'Instagram Influencer' where his heavily filtered sheep farming photography has proved popular with the locals.
Known As: Neal The Hun
Strengths: Energy, Versatility, Eye for goal
Weaknesses: Posting Union Jacks on the team's WhatsApp group
Able to play in a number of positions, Neal provides much needed energy and quality to the RRR squad. Strong in the air and a willing runner, he has popped up with a number of key goals. He has had to overcome some early controversy in his RRR career following some suspect posts on the team's WhatsApp group. Upon further judiciary investigation, it has been ascertained that these were "just banter".
Known As: Handsome Hainey
Strengths: Work Rate, Passion, Good Looks
Weaknesses: Yoga, Losing all possessions on team social evenings
Equally effective operating on the left or in the centre of midfield, Hainey's commitment and passion for the RRR cause cannot be questioned once he pulls on that famous red jersey. In addition his experience and positional sense as well as quality in possession is a real calming influence on the side. Another of the team's nice guys away from the pitch, he has been banned from his weekly Bikram Yoga class by multiple gaffers due to repeated self-inflicted injuries. Not one to shirk a team night out, Hainey lists losing 45 wallets, 23 sets of keys and flummoxing one black cab driver among his achievements on this front.
Known As: Fester
Strengths: Pace, Work Rate, Musical Talents
Weaknesses: Whiskey, Missing Flights
N'Golo Kante once said of Andrew MacLennan: "Christ, Ach, that lad never stops running man". The Highland dynamo has become a key player for the RRRs over the past few seasons with his pace, work rate and eye for a goal. An outstanding run of form in the 2014-15 title winning season led to numerous Man of the Match awards and he was duly voted Player of the Season by his team-mates. A man who likes to host house parties on a regular basis, outside of the club Fester enjoys a drop or two of whiskey and providing musical entertainment for the squad.
In recent Balham shenanigans, Fester has accused his gardener of stealing his football boots and shin guards from his front porch. It is thought this is his comeuppance for tanning a bottle of Champagne from behind the bar of central-London night spot in the Summer of 2015. This is also the most middle-class paragraph ever to be written in RRR history.
Winger / Striker
Known As: Marples
Strengths: Shooting, Dribbling, Played youth team football with Jamie Vardy
Weaknesses: Did I mention that he played youth team football with Jamie Vardy?
Skilful and creative deployed either wide on the left or up top, Marples has added exactly the kind of quality that the RRRs may have lacked in recent seasons. Often seen Cruyff turning opposition defenders dizzy and blowing out of his arse after 35 mins, unfortunately his RRR career will be cut short by a move to Rotterdam. A big Sheffield Wednesday fan and former youth team player, his in-depth knowledge of Wednesday's almost exclusively Scottish squad will be missed.
Winger / Striker
Known As: Ketts
Strengths: Pace, Work Rate, A graceful leap
Weaknesses: Wayward shooting
One of the teams foreign quota of players, Ketts has become a very important asset for the RRRs over the past couple of seasons. Having progressed through the RRR ranks after beginning with the Strollers, he has proven himself to be a man who loves chasing down lost causes and generally being a pest to opposition defenders. Generally the go-to shout for Donkey of the Day due to his love for sending the ball over the fence, he is another who has contributed immensely to the RRR social scene with regular updates on his beloved Huddersfield Town - although he has banned the majority of his team-mates from attending matches with him due to a string of heavy defeats.
Known As: Meldy
Strengths: First Touch, Hold-up Play, Ability to bend his back 90 degrees and still control a football
Weaknesses: Hectic Social Calendar
The only member of the squad ever to be substituted at half time as he was going to an X-Factor live show, the ex-Deveronvale front man has proven himself to be a key player for the RRRs on appearance. With an almost un-human ability to control a football fired at his neck from point blank range and also able to cause problems in behind, Meldrum adds an extra dimension to the side's attack.
Was once held captive and made to paint a fence by ex-flatmate James Smith the night before a cup final. This was thought to be the only solution to keep the elusive hitman away from London's VIP club scene, and avoid another dose of food poisoning.
Known As: Vacant Lump
Strengths: Hold-up Play, Strength, Overhead Kicks
Weaknesses: Overhead Kicks, Back braces consisting of electrical tape
To sum up a club legend like Ewan Rossiter in a few concise sentences is stretching the realms of the possible. A natural goalscorer with over 100 notches for the club, he's found the net with his right foot, left foot, head, arse, knee and toby. A near death experience following an attempted overhead kick in a crucial London Cup tie would have put lesser men off attempting such exploits, yet Ewan is made of sterner stuff and can regularly be seen arse over head at the Riverside come Saturday afternoon.
A defender's nightmare, a barman's dream. Ewan's legendary status extends off the pitch also, where stories of his exploits are an essential initiation for all new recruits.